I know it’s only the middle of January, but I’m fed up already.
Like most of you, I’m desperate to start hearing some good news about the future. I’m fed up hearing nothing but gloomy economic forecasts and politicians telling us that there is more pain to come.
So I’ve decided to take things into my own hands.
With another wave of bad news from the High Street last week – including the bottom dropping out of the underwear market with the closure of half the La Senza shops – I’ve decided it’s time for the politicians to step aside and let a complete novice handle the economy – I mean, how much worse could I be?
With a sharp pencil, and the margins of my morning newspaper to make notes, I drafted my manifesto on the 5.25am from Manningtree to London – but I was finished by Witham it was that easy.
So here’s my plan.
There are just over 11 million people between the age of 50 and 65 in the UK – we are the powerhouse of the UK economy.
The Government will give each one of us a flat rate £1 million, subject to a few simple conditions.
That payout would amount to £11 trillion (assuming I got the number of noughts right in my sums). I doubt there is that amount of cash lying around in the basement of the Bank of England, so we’d turn to China and borrow it from them, thus ensuring that we develop a new “special relationship” with the other side of the world from America, hedging our bets and stabilising our international relations.
For the 7.4 million over 50s who are still working, a condition of the payout would be that we retire straight away, thus freeing up jobs for everyone currently unemployed, and for all school leavers and graduates for the next five years. Unemployment sorted at a stroke.
Everyone who gets the £1 million, must immediately scrap their car if it is older than two years and buy a new one – it can be any make or model, but they must spend at least £20,000. This will give a massive £20 billion boost to the car industry, and create enough scrap metal to put an end to the current wave of stealing sculptures, war memorials and railway signal wire.
Everyone must either pay off the remainder of their mortgage, or spend at least £100,000 on buying a new or second home – thus providing the mortgage lenders with vast amounts to recycle to first time buyers, and kick starting the housing market. Sweet.
Everyone must spend at least £100 a week on either petrol, tobacco or alcohol, giving billions back to the Government in duty each year and meaning we can all relax a lot more with a drink, a smoke or a drive in the country.
And everyone must agree to spend at least £2,000 a year, every year, on a holiday somewhere in the UK to get the British tourism industry back on its feet.
Pensions are a massive worry in the country, so all of us new millionaires would have to agree to waive their rights to the statutory pension…instead, we would have to invest the remainder of our £1 million ( I reckon about £800,000 each after our spending spree) and set ourselves up with an annual income of around £40,000 for life.
The income tax payable on that would amount to about £110 billion a year, and the pension saving would be about another £50 billion – kerching!
Let’s assume everyone keeps their money invested until we start dying off in the future, the Government would be able to claw back about £200,000 each in inheritance tax.
By my reckoning we could pay back the Chinese in full in about 40 years, by which time we would have saved up enough to start paying pensions again to the generations who follow after us. End of pensions black hole!
So if you’re between 50 and 65 and you want to be a millionaire, vote for me at the next General Election. I don’t have a name for my party yet – so all suggestions welcome.
But if, between us, we can put up a candidate in each seat, and all 11 million of us transferred our votes from our previous favourite party, we would enter Parliament with a massive majority – based on the turnout at last year’s election.
Oh, and one more thing. I almost forgot about the lingerie industry. Ladies, as soon as you get your £1 million, get out there and treat yourself to a whole new knicker drawer. The High Street needs lingerie windows more than it needs coffee shops.
Download PDF